Ahhh. family for the holidays...

I'm in Boston with my family for Christmas. Every year, I spend all year over-romanticizing what it's going to be like and looking forward to it. And every year, about half-way through the thing, I have a blow-up, usually with my father or my sister, that has me calling the airlines to find out if I can go home early.

This year it took a whole three and a half days for the shit to hit the fan. It was the dumbest of things: my mom knocked on the bathroom door while I was using the toilet, then immediately opened it withiout waiting. I got really upset at this rude breach of protocol (she claims it was justified by just having seen my niece having left the same bathroom - typical, she sees the 5-year old but manages to completely miss her 400-pound son) and came out of the bathroom simply telling her: It's not KNOCK->OPEN, it's KNOCK->WAIT->OPEN.

Well, apparently this was perceived as distrubing the delicate peace in the household, which was not appreciated, and everyone decided to attack me. It was my fault for not locking the door (shutting it is apparently not enough in this house). I didn't need to be so rude and confrontational.

Then precisely at the moment I was trying to make peace with my mother (who was being the least confrontational about the whole thing), my sister jumps in again to let me know what a rude and worthless human being I am. I'm furious at her interruption and tell her to shut up and mind her own business, that I'm talking to my mother, but she wouldn't let me get a word in edge-wise. and the whole thing re-escalated again right at the point I was trying to difuse it.

It's so typical of my family to gang up on me like this, and I hate it. It doesn't happen anywhere else in my life... aren't families great? Mine goes from being fine to being a fucking lynch mob in 10 seconds flat. If they would just give me a few seconds to listen to me express my feelings before immediately ganging up on me and attacking me, it wouldn't happen. Maybe I do come out swinging and come on more aggressively than all the other superficial, fake, polite people in their perfect suburban lives, but if they haven't learned to deal with it after 38 years, then I guess there's no hope and I need to give up.

Here's what a typical conversation between my sister or father and I looks like:

Christopher: I am upset about... I am angry about... I feel hurt by... Why did you...?
Dad or Sister: You're wrong, it's your own fault, you are selfish/mean/wrong for thinking that.
Christopher: But...
Dad or Sister: No, you need to show some respect; don't speak to your mother that way; you're in my house and you won't talk to me like that, etc.
Christopher: I just wanted to...
Dad or Sister: Why are you so confrontational? Why can't you just drop it? Why do you have to keep pushing it?
Christopher: Sigh... I wish I'd bought a changeable airline ticket.

There was a perfect example of us having done things correctly and civily in an adult fashion yesterday (my father and I), for which I actually consciously thanked him and spoke to him about in detail... but apparently memories are short and old habits die hard. I am and always will be the family bad guy - the one with a big target painted on my forehead. I guess every family has one. But I am seriously contemplating resigning from that role for good.

Right now I'm still furious, hurt, and really resentful that these people have slam-dunked me back into the most miserable feelings of my youth. Historically I have always let things go and forgotten about it. I'm not so sure it's going to be as easy this time. I'm pretty sure this is the last Christmas I'll be spending with my family in the U.S. - it never lives up to my expectations. Starting next year, I think it's time to start spending it with my future husband and his family. I've missed him a lot and can't wait to get home.