Using www.FutureMe.org, I sent myself a time-delayed e-mail on the day before my lap-band surgery last year. I didn't want to forget what I was feeling at the time, so I write it all down in the form of a letter to my 1-year older self. It was essentially a list of what I wished myself in the future: my hopes, dreams, and what I wanted to accomplish with this major life change. It was also about not forgetting a painful past and WHY I made the changes I did.
In short, I think I've honored the hopes and dreams of Christopher 2007. Because Christopher 2008 has a radically different and better life today, and I think he would be proud of me. Here's the letter:
The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Sunday, September 23, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org
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Dear FutureMe,
Tomorrow I will have gastric banding surgery, and I have no idea what lies ahead of me. What is your life like today? Was it worth it? Was it better because of the risk you took? What have you learned? Who have you become? What is your life like? In order to help you answer these questions, I'm going to tell you a little about my life in case you've forgotten.
Today I can't sit down or stand up without some pain. My back problems are out of control and hurt almost all the time. I can't go up a flight of stairs without breathing hard. I wear size 5x, 22 neck, size 60 pants, and weigh 186kg, but the only scales that can weigh me are at the sauna or the hospital. My blood pressure is OK, but I'm told my heart can't handle this forever. I can't sit in most chairs with arms... most chairs are completely uncomfortable for me altogether. Even flying business class is pretty uncomfortable. I'm tired a lot of the time. I hate the way I look in just about any clothes.
How did I get myself to this point? I will never know how much of it is genetic and how much of it is my "fault". I clearly overeat when I am depressed, stressed or bored. I overeat when traveling. I overindulge when eating out or ordering in. I have however learned a lot about food and have the knowledge I need to succeed... or at least I think I do.
The greatest fear that faces me today (besides getting through surgery safely) is the loss of control over what I can put in my mouth. After tomorrow, it will be strictly controlled by the band. If I misbehave, I get punished. It's a punitive system. I will probably hate having that hanging over my head. By the same token, I tend to do much better with strict guidelines... black and white rules that I can follow. I hope this proves to be true. But the psychological impact of the loss of control and choice is clearly something I'll have to watch out for, as well as cross-addictions. I can't replace my food addiction with anything other than honest feelings and creative expression.
The person I hope you are is: happy, satisfied with your life, a better person, perhaps less bitter and mean. More natural and happier with yourself, and kinder to others. I hope you feel like your body fits you and belongs to you and that you are comfortable in it. Right now I wear mine like a diver's heavy diving suit, far too cumbersome to be wearing day to day.
I hope you have had lots of compassion for yourself, and for those around you. Be kind to them... you need them.
I hope you have used this experience to become a better person as well. This gateway of change you are opening has the possibility to create not just a skinnier life for you, but a better life, and I hope you've taken advantage of everything it has to offer. If not, the sacrifice may not have been worth it.
One way or another, from my perspective right now, you HAVE to do this. You have no choice left. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, and your life was quickly approaching nothingness when you were me. It just isn't any fun anymore to be me. It's too hard. And it was time to do something about it. I can't help but believing that just about any sacrifice is worth it to get out of the mess I've gotten myself into.
I don't know you yet, but I am eager to get to know the person you have become. I am excited about the possibilities that will open up for you as you successfully embark upon this journey. You are like a child I will do my best to take care of and love until you grow up to become who you were meant to be. I don't fully know who that is, and I will give you the freedom to become whatever person you were meant to become, but know that I will do my best to love and support you through this process.
I love you,
Christopher 23-September-2007
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